We love our sonogram technician, Bridget. She's known us for three and a half years now.
We had gone in when we were 12 weeks along with our first pregnancy. The couple before us came out screaming: they had just found out they were pregnant with twins. The whole office was jumping up and down with excitement, including us. Andy and I just looked at each other with a look that said, "Gosh, could you even imagine?"
The secretary must have noticed our knowing glances because she teased, "Hey, maybe you guys will have twins, too!"
We laughed as we shrugged it off with, "Oh, no. There's only one. We only heard one heartbeat."
When we went in, we were still laughing about the excitement of the couple before us. Bridget was relaying her excitement just before she finished cleaning off the equipment to begin our very first sonogram. I was sooo nervous. I mean, I had never been pregnant before. We had only told our families, but were anxious to see that everything was okay with the baby before sharing the good news with everyone else. As a new mom, I was just praying that the baby looked healthy.
Bridget put the warm cream on my belly and passed the scope across my belly to spread the cream. Then she stopped. Looked up at us. Exchanged glances with Andy. I was sure something was wrong. I mean, that just wasn't a normal thing for a sonogram technician to do. Was it? "Did you see that?" she asked.
"Is everything okay?" I asked. Now I started to get scared. What did she see? I barely saw anything. Is that bad? Is that normal? I looked to Andy. But he didn't look nervous. He looked surprised. "Wait. What?" I asked.
"Are there two?" Andy asked Bridget. What? HUH? She just nodded her head. It took a moment for anything to register in my mind. It felt like forever before she placed the scope back on my stomach to verify her initial observations. Sure enough, we saw two little ones. Two sacs. Peacefully moving and rolling around in their new home.
"I thought the machine was stuck on the last family!" she said. "But no, you're having twins!"
Andy started jumping up and down. He was clearly excited. I started crying. It was a combination of relief from everything being alright and sheer shock. I mean, how am I supposed to care for TWO? I've never even cared for one!
It took us all a while to calm down, but not until the secretaries all ran in to confirm their suspicions about all of the noise on the other side of the door. Then we were hit with all sorts of new vocabulary... high risk, doctor's note, bedrest, etc. We left the office completely shocked. Excited. Nervous. And feeling unbelievably blessed.
Fast forward two and a half years. We were blessed with healthy, active boys who had just turned two years old. I made another appointment to visit Bridget again after finding a positive pregnancy test. We had been hoping to get pregnant again and were thrilled to discover we were successful!
But this was a very different visit than our first one.
This time around, we were only about five weeks along. And we had come in because I had been bleeding. Since we hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy yet, the boys had to accompany us to the doctor's office. And the news wasn't as encouraging.
This time, we heard new words. Two, namely. That this didn't appear to be a viable pregnancy. Meaning, the chances of this fetus growing into a healthy baby was not very likely.
We were crushed. Heart-broken. I could tell that Bridget wanted to give us good news. She was grasping for some area of hope to cling to in the sonogram picture, in order to say that everything would turn out just fine. But she couldn't.
We went home and carried our news silently along with us. There was still a chance that we could carry this pregnancy to full term. But it was not very likely.
Two weeks passed and I continued bleeding. After I passed two clots, the bleeding stopped. I called my doctor the first week of June who asked me to come in for a follow-up sonogram. There was no sign of a fetus at all.
We had lost the baby.
I wanted to tell someone. My mom. My friends. But not having any idea of what to say or how to say it, we decided just to keep it to ourselves. What a horrible little secret to carry. We prayed a lot and knew that God had a bigger plan for us. Our story would not end here. My doctor said that since my body seemed to dispose of the baby on its own, we could begin trying to get pregnant right away. We decided that we would share with my mom once/if we were able to get pregnant again.
Andy and I tried to relax. Trust again. Pray for the life of our unborn children and praise God for His mercies in allowing this miscarriage to be so quick and so early in the fetus' little life. So many people have to endure so much more.
On July 28th, the day we moved into our new apartment, I took another pregnancy test. Positive. I was a little scared to tell Andy, not knowing if he'd be as scared as I was. But he was thrilled. I can't even tell you how much strength I have taken from this man. I called the doctor right away and they asked me to come in at nine weeks for a sonogram and to confirm the pregnancy.
I was really nervous. Every time I went to the bathroom, I prayed I wouldn't see any blood. I felt so frail. So timid. So sick. And yet a little bit hopeful that we would be able to see this baby full-term.
Andy and I got to our nine week sonogram appointment with Bridget and were pretty quiet. But Bridget knew why. I could tell - even before I sat down - that she was hoping she could give us good news.
She put the warm cream on my belly, smeared it around and started taking notes. I swear, I held my breath for that entire first minute. First off, we did see a fetus. It was moving and it looked relatively normal. Imagine our relief to hear Bridget announce, "Yes, things are looking good!"
All three of us let out huge sighs of relief. It looks good. It looks good. Praise God, it looks good!
Andy started asking more specific questions about what she was making note of, almost as if she was telling us everything she knew. "No, yeah, I'm sure. It's looking good!" she repeated. "This looks like an ideal pregnancy." Then she smiled at me, saying, "I've got a good feeling about this one!"
Knowing what we went through and knowing it could have been so so much worse, we find ourselves humbled. There is nothing we could have done to have saved that second pregnancy. God deemed how long that little one's life was going to be and yet He held us confidently in His right hand. We knew we will see that little one in heaven again someday. And yet, He chose to bless us again. We couldn't be more grateful.
I've never shared our miscarriage story publicly. I had to ask my husband for his permission, since he tends to be very guarded with personal information such as this. But I feel like it's all part of the healing. Part of our story. And yes, he did give me his consent to share :)
"I've got a good feeling about this one."
Those words have stuck with me throughout the past nine months. Now that we are just days (or HOURS) away from meeting our littlest blessing, those words still roll around my tongue and with just as much excitement as the first day she said them. I've got a good feeling about this one, too.
Looking forward to meeting you, Little One. You have absolutely NO idea how much you are already loved.